Round 2

I sent the ex a text asking him to get back to me re” the health insurance thing, mail he hasn’t sent, and whatever else we need to figure out.
From him-
I wasn't trying to be cruel when I sent that email. Those thoughts have been eating at me for a long time & I finally got the balls to tell you. I've tried to support you thru everything, always believing that you were getting a raw deal. But after awhile one has to look at it from the other side.
I do want to be your friend but I don't know if now is the right time.
I have to do my health insurance selections & I wasn't planning on putting you on. Is that still ok or do you think you'll need more time?
I'll get the mail to you ASAP. I just keep forgetting. Other than the toaster oven what else to we need to switch out?
My reply-
When do the new health insurance selections take effect? I am trying to find my own for Jan 1st in case I don't have a job by then. I should hear about two jobs in the next week or so. Either way, plan on not putting me on your plan starting Jan. 1. If I can't get my own insurance, I'll figure it out. I'll turn off the internet service then too, and let you set it up with them. Other than that, just the toaster oven and the Buddha. I assume Max will come get them both at Christmas.
Maybe you weren't trying to be cruel, but you certainly weren't giving any thought to my feelings. I appreciate you trying to stand by me, but I don't want your support if it comes out of guilt. I thought it came out of actually liking me as a friend. Why would I want support from someone who feels so negatively about me? And why would you ever want to be friends with me- it doesn't sound like you like me at all. If you really felt such contempt for me, I wish you would have helped me move my stuff and been done with me. I can't figure out why you kept trying to be friends with me. Did you think I was so desperate for human contact that having a "friend" who didn't like me was better than nothing? It's not. I would much rather not have you in my life, than have you in it feeling the way you do. Did you ever plan on visiting? Did you put in for a day off, or did you lie about that so you wouldn't have to come? You're right about one thing- I did get a raw deal in some ways. I never lied to you about how I felt. I never lied to you about anything. You lied repeatedly when we were together, and apparently you've been lying ever since. I wanted to stay friends with you because I actually liked you as a person. I put up with things from you as a boyfriend that I never thought I would- the things with other girls and pictures and videos and emails. I should have had the self-esteem to leave then, but I didn't. I do, however, have the self-esteem to walk away from friends who are less than kind to me, and who, as far as I can tell, actively dislike me as a person. Why in the world would you want to be friends with me when you think so lowly of me?
I'd appreciate you keeping me on your insurance through December, and I will send you a check and pay for the internet through the end of the year. I'll send your key with the check. I will let Max decide what he wants to do about the Buddha, and if he won't come get the toaster oven you can do what you want with it. I'd appreciate you keeping it until he comes back to town in December, but that's really up to you, I guess.
I think that's it. Unless you have some new answers to the questions above, I don't think there will be a good time for us to be friends. I deserve friends who like and care for me and who are kind to me, and apparently that's not you. I understand the spark being gone, and I understand you not being attracted to me, and not being in love with me. I know those things can happen in a relationship. I don't
understand how the person I loved, who said I was the best thing that ever happened to him, who says he loved me with all of his heart, can dislike me so much now, especially considering that I never did anything to hurt you. I don't think I will ever understand that, and I don't think you'll take the time to give me the answers, so I guess I'm wasting my time.
So, I guess, if you can, answer the questions I have. I do think I deserve some answers, but I can't make you extend that courtesy if you don't want to. Other than that, I'll have Max get in touch with you
around Christmas.
So, I know, I repeat myself, and it’s all futile anyway, because he is a lying ass and apparently hates me. I also realize that he probably doesn’t have answers to any of my questions, because if he did it would mean he had actually thought about himself and his actions. I understand his feelings, I guess- I have gotten to the point in relationships where I just can’t stand being around that person anymore, but in that case I never loved them in the first place. So did he lie about that for the whole 2 years, or just the last 6 months? And I really don’t get why he didn’t just stop calling and texting and acting like my friend when I moved. He said he wanted to come visit me, and went as far as to plan on coming this weekend, but then told me his boss wouldn’t let him take a day off work. He gave me all these convincing, realistic and well thought out reasons why his boss was acting like a jerk- he really wanted to come, and he was oh so disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to. We’d have to plan for another time. It sure was nice of his boss, then, to let him change his schedule yesterday, and take Saturday off this weekend to go out with the new girl and have a weekend long party at his apartment for her and all of her friends. What the fuck? Who does that? Just tell me you don’t want to be friends, or pussy out and email me, or text me, or let my calls go to voicemail and never return them. I think I would have figured it out. But what’s the point in pretending that you want to see me, pretending you want to stay friends, pretending, pretending, pretending, then coming up with stories and lies to cover your pretending? That’s just mean. And it lacks balls.
Also, my brother has this antique Chinese statue of a Buddhist monk, and he left it with me when I lived at the apartment and he moved out of his. We didn’t move it when I moved out because it weighs a fucking ton and Max (my brother) didn’t want to carry it all over the place until he figured out where he would be living. So, that’s the Buddha. It’s not actually Buddha, but that’s what everyone’s called it for the last few years. In case you were wondering.
So I am sending the check and the key to the apartment back… I am really having a hard time resisting commenting on how kind it was of his boss to let him rearrange his schedule to accommodate his social life. Of course, I only know these things because he and the girl are still in my friends list on myspace. If they know I’m paying attention to what they’re up to I’m sure they’ll de-friend me and I’ll lose the only stalking method I have. Ok, so that might be a good thing. I know, I need to let it go, de-friend them both so I can’t tell what they’re doing, erase his number from my phone and all of that, but… I want to know! I want to know so that I can be right about him being a jerk. If he’s the jerk, it’s not my fault. If he’s a liar and an asshole, then I’m the victim and he’s cruel for taking two years of my life. And if he’s a convincing enough liar and a big enough jerk, then it’s not my fault for believing him. Right?

I’d apologize for the delay… but no one reads this

So.

Since I wrote last, I have moved to my first choice city- the city and state where I have always wanted to live. I am in a nice, but very expensive, apartment, with 2 bedrooms, a nice kitchen, dining room, living room, and washer/dryer. The closets are big, and I have room to work out and even have part of the living room screened off as a little meditation corner, but I haven't been very disciplined about using that. I had a really sucky job for a week, but I left, and now I am waiting to hear back about a great job. I also have an interview at an independent bookstore this afternoon, but that is really just a temporary thing.

The biggest thing going on in my life right now is this unexpected awfulness between me and the ex. The back story is as follows: The boy got married in '97. She cheated (I think), they separated, and got divorced sometime around 2001, I think. While they were separated he started dating a girl he worked with, who was much younger than he was. They got married pretty soon after his divorce, and were married for less than a year before she decided that God had commanded her to divorce him. I think he married the second girl to prove he could make a marriage work, and when it didn't he picked up some serious baggage. After they divorced he moved down to where he lives now, and dated around a bit before he got involved in a scary intense relationship with a complete psycho. When I started working with him, he was dating the crazy girl, but it was ending. We were friends, and didn't get together until he had ended things with her. Of course, we waited about 12 hours from when they broke up, but- whatever. She didn't think he actually ended things with her (I don't know what was said, but it was definitely miscommunicated), and she actually broke into his house, stood outside his bedroom door for a while listening to us talk, then broke in the bedroom and beat him up pretty badly. He kept her away from me, but she did through a shoe at my head (and called me an ugly bitch). I moved in with him less than 3 months after we started dating, and I ignored his past history/patterns, because I loved him, and I thought he really loved me too. When he told the crazy ex that I was moving in, she mocked him for dating another girl from work, and said we'd be married within 6 months. We didn't get married, but we lived as if we were married for about 18 months. During the last 6 months of our relationship, he started to become friends with another girl he worked with (I didn't work there anymore), who was 9 years younger than him (I'm 8 years younger). They started hanging out outside of work, though not alone, and I knew she liked him. I never thought he was cheating on me (and I don't think he did) but I didn't like them hanging out at all. I could tell there was some interest on both of their parts, and I thought that made for a dangerous situation. It wasn't so much not trusting him as it was thinking their hanging out was a bad idea, since our relationship was rocky at best. He said I didn't trust him, that I was crazy, paranoid, etc. For the most part I left it alone. They hung out with other friends of his, and she played trivia with them (though not as often when I started going). When we broke up I told him they would be dating within 6 months. (He dumped me on the weekend of our 2 year anniversary. Nice.)

We had really planned on being friends after we broke up. At the time, we both said the issue was that the spark was gone- it was, but he obviously had some other reasons. I agreed that ending our relationship was the right thing to do, but I still didn't want to do it. I was incredibly sad that we didn't work, and he said he was too. So we continued to talk on the phone a few times each week, but when I talked to him last Tuesday he was really weird on the phone. I just had that feeling in my stomach, that something was wrong and I couldn't do anything about it. After a little pressing, he told me it was girl trouble. The girl from work's mom didn't like her hanging out with a twice divorced guy who is 9 years older than her, didn't really go to college (she has a master's) etc etc. I talked to him about it a little bit, and he said they had talked about dating, but hadn't decided if it would be a good idea or not. I warned him that, as in our relationship, it would be hard to have anything less than a serious relationship with her, since they are good friends and work together. I didn't say much more than that on the phone, but told him I would send him an email because I wanted to be honest with him about how I felt about it. I didn't think we could be friends without honesty, and I had some emotional issues that I didn't think would be healthy to keep to myself. In hindsight, I probably should have just kept my mouth shut and backed away from being friends with him, because obviously there are some unresolved issues there.

Also, for a little more backstory- When we met in 2005 he hated his job and wanted to move to Memphis. He wanted to get a better job, and maybe start saving for a house. I planned to use my job as a stepping stone to a better job within the company, but after a year I got fed up with the company and quit. I looked for a better job for a summer, and when I didn't find one with my BA in English (surprise) I went back to school. After I graduated, I looked for work, but I was also really depressed. I didn't like the city we lived in, I was depressed about not finding a job right away since I had been the best in my class, I was unhappy with how I looked, and the relationship I thought would last forever was circling the drain. I tried to talk to him about us, I tried to get him to think about counseling, I went to therapy, I went on anti-depressants, and I kept looking for a job. He really wasn't willing to put any effort into fixing our relationship, so, eventually it ended. That will be important when you read his reply to my email.

This is what I sent-

Ok, here's what's been going through my head for the last few days. Feel free to read, respond, or delete.

I'm not bothered by the thought of you dating someone else, and I'm not really bothered by the thought of you dating XXXXXX. I it comes down to three things, really, that have been weighing on me.

First, and probably least important, is that I felt like you blamed our relationship ending on, at least in part, my not trusting you. You made me feel like I was one of those crazy, jealous girlfriends who didn't want her boyfriend to hang out with any other girls. I recognized that our relationship was failing, and I wanted to try to make it work. I thought you hanging out with XXXXXX could be detrimental to that, not because I thought you were cheating on me, and not because I thought you wanted to… whether you did or not, I just knew that there was some connection between the two of you that was newer and more exciting to you than what was happening between us. I'm not saying that you hanging out with her changed anything between us- we were headed toward the end long before I was concerned about her. I just wish you had given it a little more thought, and maybe not tried to blow my feelings off as paranoid and untrusting.

Second, it hurts to think that you're ready to possibly start something new with someone else. I don't want you to be at home wishing you were with me, because I'm not here wishing we were together either, but I am far from ready to think about anything with anyone else. That's not your fault- it just hurts because to me it means you were gone long before I left. I guess I knew that, and really, I knew it then, but it still hurts. What it comes down to, I guess, is that I'm embarrassed that I stuck around and lied to myself about if we could make things work when I knew your heart wasn't there, even if you wanted it to be. I'm angry at myself. I feel like if I had had a little more trust in myself, in that voice in my head, and had believed in myself a little more I would have left a year ago and saved us both a lot of pain. That's not to say I didn't really want to make it work- I did, because I really loved you… and I'm not saying that everything was terrible for the last 9 months or so either… I just feel like I ignored things and lied to myself, and also that I begged and guilted you into staying with my because you didn't want to hurt me, not because you wanted to be with me. That makes me feel pretty pathetic. Again, not your fault, just something I need to work on in the future, I guess.

Third, and most importantly, what bothers me the most is that there are so many similarities between how our relationship started and how one between you and XXXXXX would start. When we started dating I ignored what everyone who knew you was telling me. The message I got from your friends, some of your family, and pretty much everyone one who knew you was (though in much kinder words) that our relationship had nothing to do with me- it was just what you do. Almost that I was just the best option you had at the time for something that was going to happen with someone, whether it was me or not. I didn't believe any of it, because my feelings were so real, I couldn't imagine that yours were anything less than that. I think you liked me, and I think you wanted to love me and eventually wanted to have a long term relationship with me, but I don't know if you really did. I think you spent the last year and half that we were together trying to pretend that you felt the same way you did during the first 6 months. I really thought you were it- I loved you so instantly and completely, and I believed you when you said you felt the same way. When you said you didn't want to start a relationship with a girl you worked with, born in the '80's, who smoked, since you had just ended an intense relationship- I believed that, and I believed that somehow I was just so amazing that you couldn't help but fall madly in love with me. I didn't believe the people who said that you always felt that way. I really do believe that you thought you had amazing, new feelings for me, but I don't know if you really did. Then, I was the new girl mocking the ex girlfriend who doubted that out love was "real", predicting how our relationship would go. Now, I'm the ex girlfriend who told you that you and XXXXXX would be dating within 6 months, and 3 months later sees you moving in that direction. I hate it, because it really makes me doubt what we had. I wanted to believe that I was so special to you that you had to get involved with me or you wouldn't be complete. I felt that way about you, and while I know breaking up was the right thing, and I'm not sorry it happened, I didn't expect to look back and wonder if it was me you were in love with. When I moved in, someone told me you just loved being in love. With all my heart, I thought that regardless of how you had done things in the past, this time it was that you just loved me. I know you joke about whether or not you have a "pattern," but seeing it from the outside makes me seriously doubt how much I, personally, mattered. I don't want to feel that way, about you or about our relationship, and that's the bottom line- that's what upsets me about the thought of you starting to date a girl you work with, born in the '80's, who you started hanging out with when you still had a girlfriend. It makes me doubt what I thought was the first time someone had really, truly, fallen in love with me, and loved me unconditionally. And I hate feeling that way, more than anything. I'm sorry if this upsets you. I don't mean for any of this to sound like an attack on you, or to come off as being bitter and hoping you stay single forever- that's not how I feel. I really do want you to be happy, and I want to be your friend. I don't want you to lie to me, and part of that means being honest with you about what I'm feeling. When I talked to you on Tuesday I felt sick. I felt like I was talking to [my little brother, the lovable lying screw-up] from a year ago. I just felt like something was wrong and you weren't telling me about it. I don't want to feel that way when we talk, but I can't make you be open and honest with me. All I can do is be open and honest with you. So, here you go- all of my open and honest feelings, no matter how ugly they might make me look.

I thought that was an honest and fairly reasonable response, regardless of if I should have sent it to him. I really thought I was just explaining the emotional issues I was working through- something I wouldn't have hesitated to talk to him about in person, and something I thought he needed to be aware of if we were really going to be friends. I didn't think it was an attack on his character- he admits he has made mistakes in getting into relationships too quickly, and I didn't think any of it would come as a shock.

What was a shock, however, was his response:

Wow...Yeah, and you wonder why I don't want to talk to you about my personal life. I still would like to be your friend but I don't know if it is worth it. I never blamed you for the fault in our relationship but you were sucking the life out of me. In the end I tried to avoid you because I didn't want to get trapped in your downward spiral. You think you are entitled to something but you never want to put in the time or effort to get anywhere. That isn't just in your personal life but also your professional life. I loved you with all my heart but if you had doubts brought on by my friends & family maybe you should've voiced them. What's the point of bringing it up now? I never tried to sugar coat my past & you knew my history. I am who I am & I know I have faults but I wasn't happy with you. I am happy now. I'm single & I am enjoying it. If XXXXXX & I decide that we want to date it will be our decision & I honestly don't care what your opinion is-I don't think it would be impartial.

I wrote back, but didn't say anything about him saying "You think you are entitled to something but you never want to put in the time or effort to get anywhere. That isn't just in your personal life but also your professional life." I'm the one who quit a job that made me miserable. I'm the one who went back to school and kicked serious ass in my program. I'm the one who wanted us to go to therapy/counseling together, and I'm the one who went on my own to try to be a better partner. I'm the one who overhauled my life to get back to a body I can be happy with. I'm the one who used all of my savings to move to a city where I have always wanted to live. I haven't found the right job yet, but I have been applying and interviewing like crazy. He, on the other hand, refused to look inside himself at all to try to be a better partner. He still works in the same store he hated working in when we met. He still says he's going to look for a better job, but the timing isn't right. He say's he wants to go back to school, but hasn't applied. He's the one who still lives in the city we both disliked, and hasn't moved to Memphis. I don't know if he really thinks that about me- I don't have a lot of long term jobs on my resume, but worked for the same two places for 5 years during my undergrad, then taught ESL in Europe for 6 months after I graduated. I came home and worked for one of the places where I worked in college for 5 months (the end of the school year) then worked where I met him for a year. I quit, and 3 months later went back to school full time fro a year. Since then I have been actively looking for a job. I didn't jump around from job to job, and I don't have much time that isn't accounted for. He thinks the fact that he's worked for the company for 8 years is something to be so proud of, but he hasn't advanced much and hates the job. I do think I am entitled to things- a good job for good pay, a nice place to live, a loving relationship- but I am certainly willing to put in the work, and over the last year I have done nothing but work on changing the things in my life that I wasn't happy with. As a result, I am pretty happy right now.

What I did write back was this:

I'm glad that you're happy. I hope you continue to be so. The whole point to what I said was that when we got together I didn't doubt your feelings. I don't know if you didn't read that far or what- It's now that I doubt them. Especially now. I don't think you go from loving someone with all of your heart to being so hateful. I wrote to you about how I felt about me, not about what I thought was wrong with you. That would be a very different letter. I think you are right- it probably isn't worth being friends with me. I wouldn't want to suck anymore of the life out of you with my downward spiral.

I admit it was a little snotty and immature, at least in tone. The sarcasm at the end was not really necessary, but I was angry. I haven't heard anything back. The one big problem is that I am still on his health insurance plan, so I need to either get individual coverage or find a real job asap. I don't want to still be on his plan in January. I think if I send him a check for December now he'll cash it because he needs the money, and then he won't be able to cancel me without being really shitty/shady about it.

Whew. That was really long. I really do solicit your opinions- Be totally honest with me- did my email deserve the response it got? Is he just being a jerk because he can't deal with the real issues, or was I completely out of line and a bitch (in the 1^st email). I need an outside opinion.

Week 5: Home Again?

So, I know I have been lax about updating here, but I have reasons! Or at least excuses.

I finished my travelling and picked a new city to move two. It was where I thought I'd end up, but turns out I'll be there sooner than I thought. I move in October 1^st! I have a lot to do to get ready, but I am staying on the new life plan, with one minor change- I'm changing my weigh in day to Monday, because I seem to always weight a little less. I know, it's a head game, but I am ok with that. The scale is still powerful enough to play games with me, and I don't know that that will ever change.

A guy I tangentially knew sent me a MySpace message out of the blue, and we have been happily messaging back and forth tonight. It reminds me, I need to look up someone from my past. Tying up loose ends or creating new knots, I'm not really sure, but I am interested in finding out where and what he is now…

Anyway, I assume some of you have come over from Elastic Waist, and I apologize for not having a better blog. And for not just loving my body as is and for caring so much about the numbers. I promise the blog will grow and change, evolve and get better. It's young, give it time. I can't make the same promises about myself.

For some reason I seem to be speaking in riddles tonight, so that's all you get. I know, you're crying on the inside.

Week 4- The Weakening

I don't even know where to start here… this has been a crazy, anxiety inducing week from hell, and I am feeling depleted. I am irritable and cranky, and I have lost my zen. Ok, maybe I didn't have the zen to begin with, but either way it is not here now.

As you might remember, I am temporarily living in my parents' basement, and my grandmother lives upstairs. They live in MI most of the year. My grandmother drives me crazy. I love her, and she is very good to me, but she is so incredibly negative that I really can't be around her sometimes. She tends to stay in her room, and I stay in the basement. She gets her blood drawn every few weeks to test her clotting levels or something, so that her doctor can adjust her blood thinners as needed. Last Tuesday she had to fast for 14 hours before getting her blood drawn. She ate Monday around 4, and then went into her room. She went to have her blood drawn on Tuesday, and was in her room most of the day. I guess she felt sick and slept for most of the day. She spent the night throwing up, and by Wed. morning was really out of it. My Aunt called her in the morning, and when she noticed how out of it she was she called my dad, who called, me, and I went up to check on her. She seemed tired and she felt sick, so I called her doctor, told him what she had told me, and he prescribed some anti-nausea medicine. I gave that to her around noon, and since I knew it would knock her out I went out and ran a few errands. I came home around 5, and after checking on her I knew something was wrong. Bottom line, I called EMS, they took her to the ER, and she has pneumonia. She's still in the hospital now, but is doing better. She didn't think she was sick until she started throwing up, and didn't think she had a fever (it was 103.?). She hadn't been coughing, nothing unusual. Then all of the sudden her lungs were so full of fluid that she might have died in her sleep that night if we hadn't taken her in.

So, my parents are home now, and we have all been rotating in and out of the hospital sitting with her. I leave tomorrow for my tour through the first state of prospective places to live, and while I am packed and ready, I feel totally unprepared. I needed this week to mentally get ready for the trip, and to plan to make the trip effective. I am just scattered and all over the place, mentally. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack all day, but luckily my ativan arsenal is not as depleted as my zen.

Anyway, I needed to get that info out, so there it is. I'm sure I will process a lot on my drive up tomorrow, and maybe be in the mood to talk about some other things tomorrow.

I have been eating well, doing well with water, fruits, and veggies, and doing ok with exercise. Not so much with the meditation goal- unfortunately trying that out should have been a goal for last week, not this week. Then maybe I would have had a little zen to begin with.

Bummed at the end of Week 3

I weighed in at 211.8 this morning, (or rather yesterday morning) and it put me in a funk all day. I lost inches, especially on my thighs, so that's good, and I pretty much maintained my weight. I need some new goals though.

So, my weekly goals are:

80 oz of water every day

6 days of 45 minutes of any kind of combined cardio, strength, yoga, stretching, whatever exercise

Only 3 mornings of cereal for breakfast, 4 days of one egg, as many egg whites as I want, 1 slice of 7 grain sprouted bread if I want it, any spinach or green peppers, and a sprinkle of light cheddar shreds. Another option would be one egg, some egg whites, a slice of 2% American cheese, an Ezekiel English muffin, and a Boca sausage patty. A fake-McMuffin, or a McFakin if you will.

3 Fruits every day

4 vegetables total for the week.

I am also adding a meditation goal, but I'm not sure exactly what it will be- I have a dvd with Rodney Yee, so maybe doing that. I'm not setting a certain number of days for that goal yet, I'm just going to see how I feel doing it this week.

I think the exercise is the key here, along with eating a few more actually meals, and a few less meals of cheese and crackers.

Also, 3 lbs /week for the first two weeks was not sustainable, and was just my body getting used to this new way of living, but it is still frustrating.

Also, and this is the hard part- I leave Sunday for 2 nights in city 1, then drive an hour or two for 3 nights in city 2, then drive 2 hrs to stay 3 nights with my mom's cousin, then drive and hour and spend 1-2 nights in city 4. Then I come home for about a week and a half before doing at all again, this time two cities- 3 nights each. I am going solely to check out the cities, and I am staying in these wonderful Residence Inn extended stay places with full kitchens in each suite, community type exercise rooms, and a living room in my room where I can move the furniture around and set up a work-out DVD on my laptop and have space to jump around. I owe that to my dad, who is paying for all of this. He really believes that I can keep this up, and wants to see me happy and healthy. This is something he can do to make things easier for me, so really- Thanks, Dad.

I still need to do some serious planning as far as food goes-what to bring, what I can get there, and what the exercise options are. I will feel better when I have a plan.

I don't know. I'm going to go sweat off some frustration. That's the best idea, right?

More later,

Kelly

Random Thoughts, Middle of Week 3

Oh, where to start?

First, I bought a new scale. It's an expensive scale that I really couldn't afford, but a good and fancy scale. It tells me my weight (seems pretty close to the old one, so I don't think I'll have to adjust anything there,) my body fat % and my Total Water %. I knew when Self told me I was 20.something % body fat that they were way-Way Way off the mark, but this one (which I think is pretty accurate) puts me between 40 and 45%. I am almost more interested in that number going down than in seeing my weight go down. I really need to up my weight training, and keep the cardio at no less than 40 min, 6 days.

I have met my goals this week, as far as water, workouts, veggies, and cooking go (or will if tomorrow goes as planned), and my eating has been under 1600 calories almost every day, never over 1700, but I still think I won't see a big loss this week, or I'll see a gain. It's totally irrational, and I think it every week on every diet. I thought it last week too, and I was down 3 lbs. My relationship with food, and with my body, is so fucked up. I wonder if it will ever be normal. I hope so- I hope I can get rid of the good/bad food thing, the feeling guilty when I eat, the never feeling like I can let my guard down. Maybe by the time I reach my goal (sometime next spring), I'll have more of the head things under control.

I am trying to combat that by setting goals that aren't related to the scale, but I also have some that are. The weekly goals are not weight related, but I will buy myself prizes when I reach certain numbers on the scale. 199, 185, 175, 165, 155, 148. Basically every 10 lbs after I hit 195, but 199 because being under 200 will be big. I remember when I realized I weighed over 200 lbs. I remember standing naked, in front of our mirror, saying out loud- "this is not me! This is not what my body is supposed to look like!" It was a turning point, even though I gained another 17 lbs before I started to eat right. Getting below 150 will be HUGE for me- it's been a while, and being a size 10 makes buying clothes so much easier! Those goal prizes will probably be fitness wear or gear.

As of Friday, pretty much everything of mine is out of the apartment. I still can't think of it as his place, since for 2 years I thought of it as our place, but I digress. I let him keep my window unit AC, b/c I won't need that here (central air) so he'll return it when I move/when it stops being miserably hot here. Other than that, it's all gone. My brother (oh such a long long story behind our relationship) was in town, so he rented a u-haul and moved my bed and the treadmill. He cannot make or keep a plan to save his life, and I work with plans and details. I especially need plans and details when I am dealing with something that causes me anxiety, oh, I don't know, like moving out of my ex's place? So all week long he wouldn't talk to me about what he was doing when, could he give me a day, could he give me a time, did I need to rent the truck, etc. The boy even took my bed apart, and helped my bro load it up over there. I had to help him unload and move it around here. Not ideal because of the spinal fusion/bad back thing, but I'm fine. So, on Thursday, around 1:00, my bro calls and tells me to rent the truck, and that he'll be home by 2:00 to talk about the details. So I wait. And I wait. And then I binged on sugar free pudding and Kashi crackers. Not really a binge- I knew how much I would eat before I did it, I wasn't full while I was eating it, it really wasn't that much food. It was, however, strictly emotional eating. And the whole time I kept saying to myself "I don't want this, I'm just eating b/c I'm mad and frustrated and feel like I'm not in control." So I recognized it as emotional eating at least. I should have come here and written about it instead. Now that I have the treadmill, I can walk when I need to blow off a little steam.

Tomorrow night the boy is coming over to grill steaks for us, then follow me down to the car place to drop off my car. It's rattling. Just to be clear, we are, the boy and I, not together. Not dating, not hooking up, not friends with benefits, nothing like that. Our relationship ended because the attraction/spark/sexiness was gone. It did not end because we stopped loving each other, or because we stopped caring about each other, or because we stopped being friends. In the end, we were, for the most part, living like roommates. Really close roommates. We could have gone on like that forever, but its better that we don't. There was some hurt along the way, and I am still incredibly sad (and so is he) that it didn't work. We both really wanted it to, and we tried. All that to say that we are still very close- we talk nearly every day, text often, see each other every few days- but we are just friends. That attraction or want for more just isn't there anymore, for either of us. I miss the old us, the us we were when we started, and I'm grieving losing that. The rest of it is that I miss the usual and familiar- automatically having someone to do things with, having someone to buy little presents for, having a shoulder to cry on, and a person who's care for me made him just as excited as I was when I had good news- just having that someone who was always there.

The other night I had the AC cranked and it was only about 60 degrees in the basement. I had sweats on, and I really wanted to curl up next to someone on the couch and rest my head on their shoulder. It would have been great if it had been him, but that part is fading. For the most part, I just want it to be someone who loves me, and I think it will be a long, long time before I find that again. That's another reason for the get healthy-get thin project; I don't feel attractive now, and until I do, no one else will either. So. That's where I am right now.

Statistics

This is the post I will update every Tuesday, strictly with numbers. I will also update the side bar, but this page will also have a rundown by date. It can be accessed from the link on the sidebar. I also wanted to explain what I think about some of these numbers, where the calculations come from, and why I am using these measurements specifically.

Just The Facts, Ma'am
Height: 5'6
Starting Weight: 217
Current Weight: 211.8 (+.8)
Mini-Goal Weight: 199.9
Final Goal Weight: 148


Weight Change By Week
Week 1: 214 (-3)
Week 2: 211 (-3)
Week 3: 211.8 (+.8)

Now, as for these measurements and calculations:
First, I think the BMI chart is, for the most part, a crock of shit. At my height (5'6), 150 is pushing the limit of a "normal" BMI. My lowest weight (as an adult) was around or just under 130, which is perfectly healthy on the BMI chart. I was a size 6, and it was sustainable by working out hard for 2 hours each day, and eating roughly one peanut butter and jelly sandwich a day. Obviously, that was not a healthy time in my life, mentally or physically. For me, 160-170 is where I get by eating a little more than a "normal" amount of food, but not really paying any attention to what I eat, eating a lot of junk, and not really exercising at all. This puts me around a size 14, and I do not feel healthy or happy with those habits either. Absolutely no exercise, a steady diet of absolute junk- high fat, high sugar, high "bad carb" mostly captain crunch and cheesecake- and a boatload of emotional issues, got me to 217lbs, and I was miserable and out of shape and certainly not healthy. My body, if treated well, with regular but not crazy exercise and fed well with healthy food, settles around 145-150. So, when I am healthy and happy and doing right by my body, the BMI chart tells me "watch out, a few more lbs and you're no longer in the green, you're almost overweight as it is!" And that is what I think of the BMI chart.

My goal weight is 148 because that is what my driver;s license says I weigh. I want to be a size 10 becuase being a 12 makes it impossible to find clothes (right between regular and plus-size) and being a 14 means I can only shop at Lane Bryant. And I am sick of Lane Bryant.

As for the body fat % calculation- that is the number I get when I put my stats and measurements into the Self Diet Club calculator. That's why there's a wrist measurement, and I assume a forearm measurement too since it only asks for one forearm. Personally, I think my body fat % is much higher, and I hope to find a better way (calipers suck too) to measure that regularly too.

As for the measurements themselves- I am using the same ones Self asks me to track. They are pretty much what I would measure anyway. But, body shape and history are important here, too. First, I have had two breast reductions. I developed early and quickly, and was a 36DD by around age 12. I had my first reduction (to a C cup) at 15. I am so glad I had it done that early- high school was so much easier, but at 20 I had grown up a little more. I wasn't happy with the shape or size of my breasts, as a result of having the first surgery so young, and of the surgeon using a certain technique for the surgery. So I had another reduction, this time by the head of Plastic Surgery at the University Hospital/Medical School in my city. He used a different technique, and for the most part did a lift and reshaping, but took off a little size too. I was a small C after that, and very happy with the look of them. I still am, for that matter, happy with them. I wear a 42A/B bra now, but the cup size always goes up as the band size goes down, and vice/versa, as you ladies well know.
I also inherited my build from my father. My waist (the point where my torso goes in) is about an inch below my bra band. Obviously, I don't wear clothes at my natural waist. My fat is always in my stomach and back, I don't have a butt, and my thighs/legs are much thinner than the rest of me, proportionately. I don't really have hips, I go pretty much straight down from just under my ribs to right where my legs start. I have a hard time finding pants that fit me, and anything that fits my stomach falls down when I walk because I don't have the hips to hold them up. My hip measurement is so high now because of that lovely fat pooch below my belly button and above my pelvis.
I also gain muscle fairly quickly, especially in my legs. I was a swimmer for 11 years, working out year round and most of the time in really great shape. My legs were always rock hard and super defined, my stomach was never flat and my abs were never visible, and my upper arms, even at their strongest, have never even heard of "muscle definition."
That is way more information than anyone needs to know, but at least it's all out there. So there you go.

Measurements (Total Change, Starting Week 2)
BMI: 33.9 (0)
Body Fat %: NA (0)
Bust: 44 in. (0)
Below Bust: 39 in. (0)
Abdomen: 47 in. (0)
Waist: 41 in. (0)
Hips: 50 in. (0)
Wrist: 6.5 in. (0)
Forearm: 11 in. (0)
Right Upper Arm: 16 in. (0)
Left Upper Arm: 15 in. (0)
Right Thigh: 27 in. (0)
Left Thigh: 27 in. (0)
Right Calf: 16 in. (0)
Left Calf: 16 in. (0)

Measurement Change By Week
Week 3
BMI: 33.9 (0)
Body Fat %: 46.7 (0)
Bust: 43 in. (-1)
Below Bust: 39 in. (0)
Abdomen: 47 in. (0)
Waist: 41 in. (0)
Hips: 48.5 in. (-1.5)
Wrist: 6.5 in. (0)
Forearm: 11 in. (0)
Right Upper Arm: 15 in. (-1)
Left Upper Arm: 15 in. (0)
Right Thigh: 25 in. (-2)
Left Thigh: 25 in. (-2)
Right Calf: 16 in. (0)
Left Calf: 16 in. (0)

Week 4
BMI: 33.58 (-.42)
Body Fat %: 45 (-1.67)
Bust: 45.5 in. (+1.5?)
Below Bust: 39 in. (0)
Abdomen: 46.5 in. (-.5)
Waist: 40.5 in. (-.5)
Hips: 48.5 in. (-1.5)
Wrist: 6.5 in. (0)
Forearm: 11 in. (0)
Right Upper Arm: 14.5 in. (-1.5)
Left Upper Arm: 14.75 in. (0.250)
Right Thigh: 24 in. (-3)
Left Thigh: 24 in. (-3)
Right Calf: 15.5 in. (-.5)
Left Calf: 15.5 in. (-.5)